The Month of "No"

I am a people-pleaser, I always have been. My goal is to keep the peace by any means necessary, which usually involves handling issues myself because I don’t want to burden anyone else. 

This includes the time when I received an email from my son’s soccer organization asking for volunteer coaches so that all of the kids would be able to play. Naturally, I considered being a coach despite having no experience in soccer or coaching kids. If not for my husband talking some sense into me, I would have applied.

Or the time when I was asked to take on another work project. I was maxed out on hours but I had the skills they needed so I agreed to do it even though I had no idea when I would actually get the work done.

Or another time when my dad forgot to buy Hershey Kisses grocery shopping, an essential ingredient for the peanut butter cookies he wanted to make. Of course, I promised to run to the store and grab some for him on my way home from work, even though I was already running late to pick up my kids.

My constant overcommitting and people-pleasing led me to burn out. I started waking up in the morning feeling nothing. I had to remind myself to smile at my children and laugh at my husband’s jokes because otherwise, devoid of energy, I would stare blankly at them.

Something had to change. I knew I couldn’t crawl out of my emotionless pit alone so I found a therapist and was determined to make those sessions a priority, even though it meant adding one more thing to my overcommitment pile.

My therapy sessions usually focused on the same topic: boundaries. Apparently, I had to learn what they were and how to set them if I wanted to rebalance myself. 

It was really hard. 

I started repeating a mantra to remind myself: Just because I can do it, doesn’t mean I need to.

I began building in buffers for how quickly I would commit to getting things done. Instead of telling people how quickly I could get something done as I usually did, I began adding a few buffer days so that I wasn’t always working on tight, constrained deadlines.

But the biggest step I took was my Month of No. My automatic “yes” response was the leading cause of my burnout but I didn’t know how to stop so I created a stopgap. For an entire month, I decided I would say no to any new requests that came my way:

My son’s basketball team needs a coach: Nope, not me.

Someone wants me to lead a workshop for them. Not this month.

My skin crawled with anxiety every time I was asked to do something that month because I knew I was going to say no, even if I could technically do it. Thoughts raced through my head: How could I be so selfish? People are counting on me. Do I really have to say no to this?

But, I didn’t want to break this deal with myself, especially after I had been broken by burnout. 

I successfully completed my Month of No and, to my surprise, the world didn’t implode. Work still got done and no one was mad at me for saying no. 

That month helped me learn. 

I learned that my shoulders get tight and I hold my breath when I’m asked to do something I don’t have time for. 
I learned that sometimes when I said yes to others, I was saying no to myself and my needs.
I learned to pause before committing to something.
I learned how to say no.

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Thankful for

Emma Dorge

and

Karena

who said “yes” to providing feedback on this.